Mindful Reflections from a People-Pleaser
“You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.” -John Lydgate
While I agree with this quote whole-heartedly, I have a very difficult time applying this on a personal level. I know that my choices cannot make everyone happy all of the time, but I would be lying if I didn’t confess that it is still a high source of anxiety for me. During different times of my life, I could be characterized as the type of person who, if hit by a car, would respond by saying, “sorry for getting in your way!” It has taken me a long time to confront this anxiety, but my journey started with some personal revelations that are worth sharing.
Throughout my life, I have constantly struggled with how others perceive me. In school, I was the quiet rule follower. I was the peacemaker among my friends (even when I thought one of them was in the wrong). As I got older, this tendency to desire everyone to like me seemed to never go away. As I entered the workforce as a teacher, I found myself saying “yes” to anything asked of me, including extra-curricular responsibilities that I did not really have the mental energy to take on. During my first year teaching, a year that is brutal for any young adult, I was tutoring students twice a week after school, I coached volleyball, I taught summer school, I agreed to several conferences, and I even got my CDL to drive a bus to games. After year two, to say I was feeling burnt out was an understatement. This was completely unsustainable, and my mental health began to suffer.
The second summer after I began teaching I was seriously considering leaving the teaching profession. I spent the next year thinking about my career. I slowly realized that I was still passionate about teaching, but I was getting lost in all of the other demands on my time and attention. Why was it that I was unable to say no? Was I willing to let this tendency drive me away from a career that I loved? Was my chronic over-extension negatively impacting my students and personal relationships? The more I reflected, the more I realized that I didn’t seem to know myself at all.
Revelations
This first big revelation that I had was my focus on people-pleasing stemmed from a lack of confidence in myself. I was trying to gain satisfaction from how others perceived me, but this external dependence was never going to sustain my happiness. How could I love and serve those around me, if I didn’t first love and serve myself? I began the practice of daily, reflective journaling, and found this to be a great first step to understanding who I was.
The second big revelation that I had was that I was conflict-avoidant. I was willing to go out of my way to avoid conflict, even to my own personal detriment. In reflecting on this trait through journaling, I was able to trace this tendency back to my childhood. I grew up in a dysfunctional and tense home until my mother finally left when I was ten. As the eldest child, I often felt that it was my role to act as the peacemaker between my parents when conflicts would arise. This tendency had followed me into adulthood. As a young adult, I probably averaged ten “sorry”s an hour, and had chronic anxiety that I would upset others.
The third big revelation that I had was that not all people-pleasing is bad, but there I should set clear personal boundaries as a form of self-respect. It is perfectly healthy and acceptable for me to want to make those around me happy. When it becomes an issue is when I please others to my own detriment, I gain personal validation through others’ perceptions of me, or when I don’t speak up in order to avoid conflict when I believe something is either morally wrong or not the best choice for a situation.
Reflections Ten Years Later
As I finish my tenth year in education, I recognize that there is still work to be done. I have made great strides, matured, and have clear boundaries and morals that I am willing to uphold (even if that may make someone else upset!). Surprisingly, I have also realized that this has been largely respected by others. When my principal in the past had asked me to take on extra responsibilities, maybe they were actually asking! I have much more confidence in myself (although I would be lying if I didn’t add that I still catch myself caring too much about how others perceive me), and that confidence is something that has been noticed by others. This will continue to be a journey for me, and I look forward to seeing how I continue to grow and change over the next ten years.
Are you a people-pleaser as well? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
